Being one half of a whole heart is how I felt when I was in a relationship.
I was given +1's, asked how they were as many times as I was asked how I was and we spoke every day. So when we broke up, that whole became two halves again and I felt very much alone.
Single is the term society has branded us who are partner-less and if you have always been single then that's one thing, but the transition from couple to single is a hard leap to make. It can feel like someone has cut your arm off. And it can take ages before you begin to recover. I was single for 17 years before my relationship so I was actually good at it. And it took me the best part of a year to feel like I had made it back to myself again.
In the days after the break not calling or texting them; cleansing your social media and seeing all that stuff that holds so many, now painful, memories everywhere is so unnatural for you.
And then there is at the moment, when you shut the door to your bedroom, or you are alone before your housemates come home and the wave of loneliness comes upon you. And it can knock you for six (and completely shatter your progress of healing).
When I was alone I went into analysis mode; picking apart everything to find what was to blame, remembering everything I held as a memory of "us", torturing myself remembering how happy we were and resisting doing everything that felt natural (calling or texting them).
Then I began to hunt the Internet for blogs and message boards of people who were also going through the same as me and how they got over it. I was desperate not to feel like I was crazy for feeling like this.
And I found loads. And I breathed a sigh of relief - through many tears - that I wasn't some crazy person. I was one of many hearts broken, searching for hope.
I was so comforted by that and clung to them like a loved toy. This is why I am writing this so that if anyone else needs my help; my story is documented here. All you have to do is take a moment to search online and a world of heart break opens up to you.
Like I said when talking about not having strength and borrowing it from friends; filling silences became key. Anything from TV to music to physically going out with friends and hanging out with my parents all night to avoid being in my own head with my thoughts. That's why college was so important; it forced me to concentrate on not letting my emotions ruin my education; I was down but I wasn't out.
I loved music for helping me through the moments when I had to be alone. For the purpose of this post I have collated a Spotify playlist of songs that helped me heal and drown out the thoughts/tears and some are new that I would of needed back then too. This is linked here if you want to give it a listen. It's great if I do say so myself.
The key I found to surviving heartbreak is realising that this timeline is completely unique to you but at no point is anything you feel unusual - no matter how crazy you think it is. One day you may feel better and crack a smile; the next you'll feel as if you are back to square one. There is no rule book for heartbreak.
Looking back I remembering thinking "When will I ever feel normal again?" And then one day I just did. I can't even tell you when that was. I was able to talk about my relationship and not want to cry and my life carried on.
Another thing I found important is to keep talking; and I had very good sounding boards that listened to anything I needed to get off my chest. I couldn't of coped if I had to bottle it all in. Giving yourself a period of time a day to wallow when it gets to hard not to and then stopping and forcing yourself to do something else. It takes dedication but it is really important!
The next post is about tackling big milestones; Valentine's Day, birthdays and anniversaries. This is a skill in itself. But that's for next time...
Lots of love, if you need me I'm here,
Amber X
